Miracles?

This was the morning that I was supposed to go in and shadow the other infant teachers at the Beacon Preparatory Academy. Instead, I slept until around 10am. It was great. I woke up refreshed, which isn't normal for me. I liked the change. After showering and doing a couple of chores, I went to lunch with Riley at Olive Garden. The place was packed, but the service was still great! Our waiter's name was Ryno. At least, his nick name was Ryno. He is from Branson, Missouri. Small world. After Olive Garden I became insanely tired. Riley and I were going to go apartment shopping, but I insisted that we go home, as I was struggling to stay awake while Riley drove us around. So, we went home and I napped. I napped for about two hours. It was really nice, but I woke up feeling horrible. My body was rested, but I felt as though I had broken some kind of rule. I just felt...guilty. And I couldn't figure out why. The feeling only worsened when I checked my phone. Two missed calls from work. Shoot. I listened to the first voicemail. It was my manager. They needed me to come in soon. I immediately became anxious. I did NOT want to go to work. Oh well, I guess. So, I listened to my second voicemail. Only this voicemail wasn't from work. It was from the Beacon Preparatory Academy. Wendy, the director, wanted to know why I hadn't come in this morning and asked me to give her a call back to let her know whether or not I was interested in the position. I have never felt relief and anxiety at the same time and in the same way as I did in that moment. I was SO happy that I was mistaken. For whatever reason I was not supposed to have been declined the job. I immediately found Wendy's card and called her back. I let her know that I received an email last night telling me that I wasn't what they were looking for. She laughed and explained that she had deleted the add on Indeed.com and it automatically sent out an email to all of the applicants saying that they were not what she was looking for. Turns out, I am exactly what they are looking for! We both laughed together and I told her that I would see her early tomorrow morning to actually shadow the other teachers. Oddly enough. I found myself being angry with God when I thought that I didn't get the job. I had prayed before my interview. I pray often, but I almost never pray out loud. This was an out loud prayer. And it was a vulnerable prayer. I really poured my heart out to God. I told Him about how badly I needed this job and that I so badly wanted it. I could think of no better way to spend my forty hour work week than to be with the babies of the community. That wasn't the only thing I prayed about, but you get the gist. I was angry because I put my heart out there and felt like it was stomped on. I don't know why I blamed God, but I did. I was unhappy with how things turned out and I blamed Him. And now, things are great. And, although my automatic reaction was to blame God when things went wrong, my automatic reaction was NOT to thank God when things went well. It was kind of a wake up call. In a very different way. I want to be close to God in the same way that I am close to my Mom. I want to stop treating God like this mystic entity that is out to get me for not living perfectly. Because he isn't. He loves me. Unconditionally. Just like my Mom.

Doubt

This morning I had an interview at a Private Daycare in Bentonville for a position as an Infant Teacher. I applied for the position several weeks ago and was contacted about the interview last week. I was really proud of my application and wrote an impressive cover letter to top my resume. Anyway, the interview went well and I was invited to come back tomorrow to shadow the other infant teachers. Twenty minutes ago I received an email from the director of the Daycare who interviewed me. Her email was to inform me that, upon further inspection of my application, she felt that I was not the proper fit for the position. I was devastated. I have NEVER in my life been refused a job that I had interviewed for. up until today, every single job I have ever interviewed for I have received. It was SUCH a blow to my pride. I immediately began to feel disappointment, despair, and dismay. And basically, that's where I'm at. I am full of doubt now. Just full of it. I know doubt isn't necessarily the healthiest emotion, but it IS an emotion. And emotions are signals that our body gives us to send us a message. I feel uncertain and afraid. I'm not a billion percent sure that I get what my body is trying to tell me by sending me such strong signals of doubt, but maybe my body wants me to know that I need to be better prepared. Or maybe my body wants me to take a second to figure myself out. Maybe I need to step back and ask myself, "what do I really want?" and "who do I want to be?" I can't help but wonder what it was in my application that made me less of an enticing candidate. I kind of want to ask. I'm not sure that I will. But I do wonder. Maye it was that I have held lots of positions working with children, but they were all under a year. I hope that's what it was. If it is, I'd feel a lot less bad about myself right now. I suppose I should still count my blessings. I do HAVE a job and there is definitely opportunity for advancement. But do I want to work for Charming Charlie for the next year or two years? Do I really want to keep working retail? Definitely not. If I had it my way, I would be going to school right now. And maybe I should be. I have GOT to get an education. Because, despite what Pink Floyd says, we really do need an education. All right. I'm gonna wrap it up. I guess that In closing... life is hard. And sometimes you don't feel good enough. But it doesn't always have to feel that way.

Hope In God

My life is nearly everything I always wanted, in some way or another. I'm in a committed relationship with a man I love, I have a job that is definitely not terrible, I live in a "loft" style room, I have a pretty cute wardrobe, I'm relatively acne free,I am friends with a bunch of really amazing people, I have a family that cares, I have a plan for my future, and I am only twenty-three years old! My fifteen year old self would die of happiness if she could see me now. Priorities, right? So, why am I not happy? Why, when I have everything I want and more, am I left dissatisfied? I haven't been to church in months. That's right, months. That's probably why I feel so dissatisfied with my life. It's hard to be happy with what you have when you aren't right with yourself and it's hard to be right with yourself when you're not right with God. I still believe. That is, I still know. I just struggle. And God knows it. And He puts reminders in my path. Undeniably Divine reminders. Things like, being assigned to visit teach with one of the most amazing and spiritually strong sisters in my ward, getting calls and texts from my sisters and cousins who are also spiritually strong, or finding a Christian magazine in our store's bathroom. In fact, I'd like to talk about that. The other night, I was cleaning the bathroom at work before closing and what do I find but a Christian magazine lying on the floor. "Journey", it was called. "A Woman's Guide to Intimacy With God." I flipped through the magazine, saw the new-age bible speak- which I honestly usually avoid- but as I flipped through it I thought, "I'm gonna take this guy home. I think that I need it." When I got home, I studied the magazine more closely and learned that it is set up devotional style. It goes by day. One Devotional per day. This was the April 2016 Issue. I read, "Friday, April 1 Hope in God." The message was all about having expectations in God and not in the outcome of situations. "...even if something doesn't work out the way we'd like it to, we can be completely confident in one thing: Our sovereign God, who has the whole world in His hands, is also holding us." It was a beautiful message. And it made me feel something. And I haven't felt anything in a long time. I am reminded of a lyric written by my favorite slam poet; "Yes, sometimes God never talks But then, sometimes, we try not to listen." I know full well that God is there and wants to hear from me. But, just like I know my own Dad is probably at home and wants to hear from me, I usually don't call. Well, today, I called. And I want to keep calling. I want to change. So... pray for me, guys, ok? I love you all.